NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to research into non polluting fuels"

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the girl saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Life is like a vehicle. Husband and wife are 2 tires of the vehicle. If 1 punctures,the vehicle will not move.So brilliant people keep a spare tire.

Divorced couple arguing for son's custody.
Wife : I gave him birth so he is mine.
Husband : If I put a coin in a pepsi machine & pepsi comes , is it mine or the machines?

The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.

"Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!"
"And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate."

The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help. "What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?"

"In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other."

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload- Recreational- Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer- Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer -Elimination- Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.