An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....

DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...

P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

Little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared that said:


"You've Got Male!"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from*a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
com-for-da-bull."

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,"

So they laid off the night watchman.

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather
prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can
get them so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating
the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes.
So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't
ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out
to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained. Without
diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted,

"Coldwater, move!"

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broke me to the news easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left, you could have told me, "Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down". Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, "The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground".

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Two men were chatting in a bar. One says "Where are you from?".

Second man replies "I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition".

"Alright" says the first man, "Where are you from idiot?"

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A. Draw a circle and tell her to sit in the corner