Sister: Mom wants you to come in and fix dinner. Brother: Why, is it broken?
Client: Doctor, how much would you charge to do plastic surgery on my nose? Doctor: A thousand dollars. Client: Anything cheaper? Doctor: You could try walking in to a lamppost.
Patient: Doctor, can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough. Doctor: Have this prescription filled. Patient: Will it improve my hearing? Doctor: No, but it will help you cough better.
Boss: What do you mean you were a big gun in industry? Job Applicant: I've been fired a dozen times.
First Burglar: I think I need glasses. Second Burglar: What makes you think so? First Burglar: On my last job I started to turn the knobs on the safe and the stereo began to play.
"My brother is so dumb" "How dumb is he?" "He got a pair of water skis for his birthday. Now he's looking for a lake with a hill in it!"
BREAKING NEWS: 'A supermarket was robbed last night of 30 sacks of carrots and a bushel of garlic. Police are on the look-out for rabbits with bad breath.'
Appliance Store Clerk: May I interest you in a new freezer? Lady: No, I can't afford it. Clerk: It will pay for itself in no time. Lady: Okay, as soon as it does, send it over.
Cop: You were going seventy miles per hour. Speeder: I was only following the signs. Cop: That's the number of the highway. Speeder: It is? I'm glad you didn't stop me on I-95.
Young Lady: I wouldn't marry you even if you were the last person on earth. Young Man: If I were, you wouldn't be here.
Young Man: Miss, would you go out with me tonight? Young Lady: I don't go out with perfect strangers. Young Man: I never said I was perfect.
"When I was a child my nurse dropped me a lot." "What did your mother do?" "She got me a shorter nurse."