"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Joke of the Day - November 9, 2012
During a bank heist the Chief told the Sergent to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sergent reports to the chief. “Sorry sir but they got away.” The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exits.” "I did” replied the Sergent "but they got away through the Entrance"
Joke of the Day - November 8, 2012
Poor old Bob sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.
Joke of the Day - November 7, 2012
A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. “How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”
Joke of the Day - November 6, 2012
_A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery.
Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig
throughout the night.
Joke of the Day - November 5, 2012
What did the tie say to the hat? "You go on while I hang around".
Joke of the Day - November 4, 2012
Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning. Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.
Joke of the Day - November 3, 2012
At a traffic court, the judge asked the motorist: Tell me, why did you park your car here? The man said: “Well, there was a sign that said “fine for parking.
Joke of the Day - November 2, 2012
One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish. the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime" The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?" The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy". The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
Joke of the Day - November 1, 2012
An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know who was it?" The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!" The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England. When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."
Joke of the Day - October 31, 2012
Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible. “What are you doing?” he asked. “Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply.
Joke of the Day - October 30, 2012
_A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The
little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
Joke of the Day - October 29, 2012
"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son.
When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."
Joke of the Day - October 28, 2012
Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.
Joke of the Day - October 27, 2012
Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.” Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.” Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?” Wife: “In the swimming pool.”
Joke of the Day - October 26, 2012
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages? Peter: Because they had so many knights.
Joke of the Day - October 25, 2012
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
Joke of the Day - October 24, 2012
A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.” A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife? “How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”
Joke of the Day - October 23, 2012
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Joke of the Day - October 22, 2012
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
Joke of the Day - October 21, 2012
Willy runs in and tells his mother you’d better come out. I’ve just knocked over the ladder at the side of the house. Willy's Mom: Go and tell your father, I’m busy. Willy: Mom he already knows, he’s hanging from the roof.
Joke of the Day - October 20, 2012
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".
Joke of the Day - October 19, 2012
A school teacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.
There was a pause before Little Johny raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
Joke of the Day - October 18, 2012
A woman is dancing happily down the railroad tracks, singing to herself "...21 ...21 ...21..."
After a little while, an Antartian walks up to her. She observes for a minute and then asks, "What are you doing?"
The woman does not answer and keeps singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." So the Antartian jumps on the tracks and follows her dancing and starts singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." A little later a train comes down the tracks. The woman jumps off, but the Antartian keeps dancing and singing to her self and gets hit by the train.
The woman gets back on the track and starts dancing and singing again, "...22 ...22 ...22 ..."
Joke of the Day - October 17, 2012
Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
Joke of the Day - October 16, 2012
“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a tail-light.”
The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless.
“Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman. The man mumbled, “It’s not the tail-light I am worried about. Where is my wife and trailer?”
Joke of the Day - October 15, 2012
A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Joke of the Day - October 14, 2012
Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time. That’s good John; when did you start walking? When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it.
Joke of the Day - October 13, 2012
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. "I am 4 years old". "And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver. “When I get off the bus" answers Johnny.
Joke of the Day - October 12, 2012
Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital? Officer: Just stand where you are!!!
Joke of the Day - October 11, 2012
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said: "We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
Joke of the Day - October 10, 2012
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’
Joke of the Day - October 9, 2012
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Joke of the Day - October 8, 2012
A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. The it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asks the friend.
“My wife found out!” replied the man.
Joke of the Day - October 7, 2012
What do cannibals call athletes? Fast food!
Joke of the Day - October 5, 2012
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back!"
Joke of the Day - October 4, 2012
A man had two goldfish, he named one of them "One" and the other "Two" he did this because..
if one died, he'd still have two...
Joke of the Day - October 3, 2012
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
Joke of the Day - October 1, 2012
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."
"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
Joke of the Day - September 28, 2012
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Joke of the Day - September 27, 2012
The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years."
The drunk replied: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"
Joke of the Day - September 26, 2012
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.” “It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”
Joke of the Day - September 25, 2012
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "Oops!"
Joke of the Day - September 24, 2012
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
Joke of the Day - September 23, 2012
Apparently the computer giant, IBM, decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
Joke of the Day - July 16, 2012
Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Joke of the Day - July 15, 2012
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Joke of the Day - July 14, 2012
Wife: Hey! look at that funny guy who has drunk a lot.. Husband: Who is he? Wife: Well, 5 years ago, he was my boy friend and i denied him for marriage. Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom.
Joke of the Day - July 13, 2012
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Joke of the Day - July 12, 2012
Lawyer: Please tell the court the location of your left foot immediately before the impact.
Defendant : Immediately before the impact, my left foot was located at the immediate end of my left leg.
Joke of the Day - July 11, 2012
No Offense. Just 4 Laughs. Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
Joke of the Day - July 2, 2012
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
Joke of the Day - July 1, 2012
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Joke of the Day - June 30, 2012
Little Johnny In biology practical exam: Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only. Little Johnny: I don't know. Examiner: You failed, what's your name? Little Johnny: See my legs & tell my name.
Joke of the Day - June 29, 2012
A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant. ‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’
Joke of the Day - June 28, 2012
Several kids were asked these questions. These are their answers:
Q. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? Ans. You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
Q. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? Ans. When they're rich. - Erika, age 7
Q. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? Ans. There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
Q. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Ans. Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
Joke of the Day - June 27, 2012
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Joke of the Day - June 26, 2012
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Joke of the Day - June 25, 2012
Friend: I got a brand new Toyota Camry for my wife! Bob: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!
Joke of the Day - June 24, 2012
A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order for it to go, you say 'thank god' and for it to stop you say 'amen'. So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted 'Amen!' and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
'Whew,' he said. 'Thank god.'
Joke of the Day - June 23, 2012
Judge: Don't you have shame? It is the 3rd time you are coming to court.. Bob to judge: You are coming daily, don't you have shame?