_On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
_ Did you hear about the American who got in big trouble after he dismembered a grizzly?
He misunderstood the 2nd amendment when it said he was entitled to bear arms.
_A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money
for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite
expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting
anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and
writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".
_A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night
at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and
anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
_The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his
four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was
fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns
into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
_An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would
mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she
suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled
head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should
take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
_FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?
No, what happened?
FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The
gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it
came closer and closer . . .
BERT: What did you do?
FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
_Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
_Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
_ A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she
told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man
called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's
10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said
he was still there.