_A mother took her little boy to church. While in
church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to
the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and
during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The
father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
_A young woman was pulled over in Nashville,
Tennessee for speeding.
As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open
his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to
the Tennessee State Police Ball."
He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd
just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
_A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt
and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he
found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as
wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong
breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie
to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
NEW WORK POLICIES
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired
you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so
on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary
to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees
may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people
get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if
we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag
you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's
or input should
be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Human Resources Department
Dying Husband asks his wife:" Our 7th child always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father? wife(crying) : yes.............. husband : who? Wife: You.........................
_ A New Year Prayer For the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.