Given Below are the World's Best Jokes as found by _The
University of Hertfordshire.
_Best Joke in the World A couple of New Jersey
hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He
doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The
other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He
gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm
soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make
sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
_Second Best Joke in the World Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they
retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes
up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and
tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and
millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce
Watson ponders for a minute.
Astronomically, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
Astrologically, I observe
that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect
that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see
that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant
part of the universe.
But what does it tell you,
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!”
he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
_Top Joke in Scotland I
want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
screaming in terror like his passengers.
_Top Joke in USA A man and a friend are playing
golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip
onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to
the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his
eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that
is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are
a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah,
well we were married 35 years.”
_Top Joke in Canada When NASA first started sending
up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work
in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
_Top Joke in Austrialia This woman rushed to see her
doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:
“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at
myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was
all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had
this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a
couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there
ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
_Top Joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat
To stamp out burning ducks
_Top Joke in Germany A general noticed one of his
soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he
found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went
on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier
psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was
deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up,
smiled and said: “That's it.”
_Top Joke in UK A woman gets on a bus with her
baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She
says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right
up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
_Top Joke in England (second one) Two guys are sitting on a bar
stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with
your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the
other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR
The other says, “Go home
dad you’re drunk.”
_Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an
alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police
detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain
The turtle looked at the
detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know,
it all happened so fast.”
_Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad
asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only
have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the
patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been
trying to contact you since yesterday.”