_A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood
up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I
pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it
_ When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled
in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could
shoot me in my absence.
_After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin
Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a
letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the
Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded"
Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and
several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their
assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the
code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the
CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually
asked Israel's MOSAD for help.
Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."
_Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back
with a question when I ask you?"
Wife: "Is that what I do?"
_What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18
, 28, 38 and 48?
Age 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
Age 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
Age 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
Age 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
Age 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
_ You're so stupid you missed your bus number 44 so
you rode bus 22 twice
_A young man asked an old rich man how he made his
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was
1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the
entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a
fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us
two million dollars."
_A person walks up to a man on the street and begins
to ask him questions...
How many eyes does a rooster have?
How many wings does a rooster have?
How many ribs does a cat have?
"Not quite sure..."
"Yeah, sorry, no idea!"
Well how come you know so much more about cock than pussy?!
__Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His
mother asked, "What's the matter now" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just
hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not
so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like
you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I
did!" sobbed Johnny.
_Have you read the book... (Be sure to read these aloud)
1. Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit, Betty Wont,
2. Flood in the Bathroom by Won Lang Pee
3. Yellow River by I.P. Freely
4. Jump off a Cliff by Hugo First
5. Sliding down the banister by R. Arse Tornaway
6. Beautiful Behinds by Seamore Butts
7. Butt Fitness by Hugh Jass
8. Love Secrets by Amanda Hugnkiss
_When I was younger I hated going to
weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types
used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.